Grief and Loss: A personal journey.
You would be hard-pressed to find someone who has not experienced loss and felt grief, whether a loved relative, friend, colleague or pet. Sometimes it is the loss of a career-path, one’s true identity or loss in the way one interacts with the world. I am focusing on the grief of losing a loved one in this post. I am reflecting on my time with my father, which seemed brief to me due to his passing at age 54 from cancer.
Like many people, I wondered if the pain would lessen with time. I have found now, 10 years later, it is as painful now as it was then, but less frequently present in my day-to-day life. That is not everyone’s experience… and thus what makes processing grief so personal; it’s different for all of us across different kinds of loss.
The first year after his death: I went to work, I saw friends and family, but felt I did so as only a shell of myself. There is such a thing as complicated grief, which only serves to make the experience of grief a bit more tricky. Due to some traumatic experiences, this was a complicated loss, which had a deep impact on me and my siblings. My dad was my best friend from infancy and beyond. His death felt like the loss of part of myself. How does one recover from that? Many clients have expressed a similar sentiment to me in processing their own losses. My siblings all approached it in their own ways: group grief counseling, a tattoo in his honor, working more and staying connected to those who loved him like we did. But, I only did that AFTER sifting through much anger and denial for a year (not great, but real and true). Two years later, I created a book of photos and stories honoring my dad, for which I had family from all over the world contribute. It was a labor of love; the pain in creating it was acutely felt by me throughout the process. But, I am so glad I did it. I created it for the birth of my first nephew and later his brother, so that they too may know the great man I knew, and they could know him through the eyes of those their grandfather touched. Reading about their Baba with them fills my heart with grief AND joy instead of only sadness. I realized that, for me, both grief and joy for the person I was lucky to have could co-exist!
Grief is different for all of us. I think what we need the most when grieving is support from others and being allowed to take our time with it. For some extra guidance, as some really benefit from concrete tools, I have included here a general guide for moving through grief AT YOUR OWN PACE but with some markers in mind:
The Tasks of Mourning handout is based on the four tasks of mourning described by J. William Worden. The tasks help to normalize grief reactions, and empower clients to view grief as an active process they can work through, rather than a passive process that happens to them. What is great about this is how non-directive it is regarding how and at what pace you move through this. It is so personal for all of us and we need to go through it in our own way. A great therapist can help you navigate through the grief and even these tasks as well. I would even recommend taking these tasks to your therapy to have your clinician guide you through them. It’s a hard process to do completely alone, but that is up to the individual. Because as I noted, we all grieve but we all do it differently. Accept your own path with love for yourself, but also don’t be afraid to accept a helping hand if you need/want it.
