Balance: How do you talk to yourself?
Do you see a busted up, old chair or a place to sit and take in the beautiful views of the beach with your toes in the sand. Not the most comfortable chair, but what a view! There is good and bad in this picture, as there are in most things concerning life.
During trying times, leaning into where we feel we are inadequate seems like human nature. Perhaps negative self-talk is a method of self-protection (e.g. “If I think the worst, I can’t be hurt more.”). However, what it tends to do instead is get us stuck in our negative patterns. Our thoughts about ourselves, others and the world can be narrow and limiting when we are depressed, anxious, stressed or just exhausted from the day-to-day of life. If I have a looped internal message that “I am just not good enough,” I will continue to behave as if that is true. The negative self-statements become roadblocks to new ideas and ways of exploring our world. Imagine that the self-debasing statements are blinders that block all peripheral vision or like looking at yourself and your life through a straw vs with both eyes wide open. Why not take in the full and clear picture? Well, depression, trauma and anxiety don’t make that easy.
It can seem like putting on rose-colored glasses when told to “focus on the positive!” That actually can be utterly frustrating and demoralizing when said to someone in their times of pain, loss, stress. Rather, how can we be frank with ourselves about our struggles in a way that is balanced, honest and helpful. And, how can we remind ourselves of what we DO have, what we DO right and what we DO bring to the table in order to maintain that balance and build upon our strengths? How do we remove the blinders and see ourselves and our world with the balance that truly exists for all of us?
Practicing pausing, reflecting and restating can help so much. Again, this is not a “focus on the positive” missive, but rather is asking you to focus on the bigger picture. E.g. Instead of “I am just lazy” one could pause, reflect on their overall way of living (working a lot, doing much for his/her/their children, volunteering once a month) and instead restate it to themselves, “I am really struggling to find an exercise routine that fits me and I have been far less active than I would like, but I’m glad I’m willing to keep trying at this.” One statement is a dead-end road, is a character assassination and is said in absolutes. As noted in an earlier blog, when you hear absolutes/all-or-nothing thinking etc, you know you are in the territory of thinking errors and a pause is truly needed. One statement is acknowledging that one is NOT exercising as he/she/they feels that they should. Calling yourself “lazy” is a blanket statement of who you are as a person instead of just acknowledging the one area of struggle for that moment. It seems simplistic, but - right now - say both statements to yourself and note how different they feel. How we feel has very much to do with what we say to ourselves, and how we act has very much to do with both. Take off the blinders, have more moments of feeling “unstuck” and be more true and balanced with yourself.
For some, therapy is needed to wade through tricky life experiences or traumas or just long-standing negative thinking patterns in order to grow in this area. For others, it may be meditation and mindfulness, joining a support group, reading a self-help book around this topic or even just talking to a group of friends about this as a shared area of evolution in which you hold each other accountable to pausing, reflecting upon and restating those automatic negative self-statements.
I have learned that this endeavor is a journey with endless areas for growth. I continue not only to be more aware of negative self-statements, but am better able to reflect and challenge them and speak in a more balanced way to myself and towards others. Mindfulness, therapy and great friends have personally helped me on this path!
