Empathy vs Compassion: when empathy HURTS!

I am in a small Mindfulness group for professional therapists and have been for about 2.5 years. It has been life-changing. One of the topics we examined that really caused me to pause was the idea that Empathy can actually inhibit our ability to aid those who are suffering. Empathy lights up the pain center in our brain. Compassion does not. Well, what’s the difference? There is an article on this that is useful that I will provide a link to as well.

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Compassion is defined as concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. “SHARING” the feelings is where we can get tripped up!

Ultimately, empathy is feeling someone’s pain; putting yourself in their shoes. However, this can then cause us to mirror and feel that pain ourselves and sometimes even imagine the stressful event as our own in order to truly “feel their pain.” And then we really do feel it. There is much good with this, but also some down sides such as assuming we understand their experience or feeling so much pain we begin to avoid others’ distress as a way to keep empathy (pain) at bay. In my mindfulness group, we talked about activating compassion instead of empathy when we need to.

How do I shift from empathy to compassion though?? Below is a method that has been helpful for me… a self-titled “empath.”

• When you notice you are envisioning how you would react to the tragedy/stressful event:

  • Pause, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself how you can be of support to that person right now rather than try to feel their pain. Move towards compassion, which can be as simple as a text that says, “You’re on my mind” or an Amazon delivery of a beautiful candle (something a friend surprised me with once when I was going through a rough patch).

    • Taking a few deep breaths can be substituted with any regulating activity you typically use. If you don’t have one, deep breathing is a nice first try at regulating your body.

    • There are so many ways to be of support: you know your friend/loved one… what might they need. Or if you’re not sure, you can ask yourself: “what would I need?” rather than “what would I feel?” which then gets you back into that pain center.

    • Feeling pain is OKAY though. This is not an exercise in pain avoidance, but rather funneling pain into a healthy and workable place. This became really important to me because I was finding myself developing pain-avoidance outside of work. I was refusing to watch the news, refusing to watch any movies that would make me “sad” and just became scared to be present for others’ suffering because the hurt I felt was acute, sharp and felt too real.

      To know that this is because it was REAL pain was a relief. To get confirmation that I’m not making this about myself… I’m simply empathic and that does bring with it real pain. But also helpful is to know I can shift to compassion. This is one of those topics, I think, that is very personal. Think on it a bit: what does empathy look like to you? Are you practicing compassion towards others vs empathy or assumptions? And while you’re at it: are you compassionate towards yourself? Compassion to me feels more active/proactive - the act of being concerned for and showing support to another. And I tend to do better when I get out of my own head and get to the actually doing of life whether that is an act of compassion or a healthy distraction when I need a break.

  • Link to article: https://neurosciencenews.com/pain-empathy-18945/