What would happen if you assessed yourself or examined your issues WITHOUT shame?
I asked this question of a client recently who has done some exceptional work on the self for many years, but still came out of it feeling unsure, depressed and anxious. Though much more may contribute to these feelings than shame, how much has shamed blocked you, me, us from our full potential? Shame is often used to modify behavior (ours or others’). But shame, time and time again, proves to be ineffective in altering our way of being. Rather, shame erodes self-worth, makes us feel like we don’t belong and can lead to us “hiding” our pain in little corners of our mind to avoid the pain of feeling shame. And note: guilt and shame are different! Guilt can be proper remorse (i.e. I did a bad thing and I am conflicted and/or remorseful about it). Shame is often absolute and exaggerated (I AM a bad thing). Shame stifles creativity (if it’s an absolute, I can’t alter it!). Shame extinguishes vulnerability and replaces that authentic expression of the self with defense mechanisms and avoidance. Thus, leading to feeling stuck in our lives, personal and/or professional. What would happen if you reflected on your decisions, needs, desires and pain WITHOUT shame? I think it’s worth finding out. Some tips:
When you hear absolutes, all-or-nothing, or black-and-white statements in your mind or stated aloud… this is a clue you may be shaming yourself. (Examples of shaming statements: I am such a disappointment, I can’t trust myself, I am so lazy, I’m a bad parent). Sometimes you may only say them when triggered/upset but for some, these negative statements run on a loop.
Notice those statements and then check in with your body. Is my breathing shallow? Is my chest tight? Then, just take a breath, shake out the tension… do something that shifts your body out of this heightened state.
Then, challenge the thought with something that seems more balanced and rational. (Am I really lazy, or am I only unmotivated around certain things that just don’t really interest me much? Do I like that about myself, maybe not. But am I lazy at everything? NO.).
If it’s too hard to navigate on your own, talk to a friend or therapist to gain some perspective and balance about yourself!
